My mother taught me that if I can’t say something nice, I should say nothing at all. But fortunately, that maxim doesn’t extend to car reviews because the 2009 Dodge Grand Caravan is bad. Just plain bad. Anything that’s bright and shiny on this minivan is merely the sheen that comes with fresh manure – it’s going to wear off real fast, leaving you with a pile of, well, problems.

You think I’m being harsh? In one tested Caravan, the “+” mark on the shifter wiped off, within six months of use. This is a hallmark example of the kind of quality you can expect on this van. The passenger side door is also prone to rattling. Shall I continue?

For starters, the leather quickly discolored. The rear bumper – which is plastic – warps, and severely too. In one test, it got so bad the tailgate wouldn’t even open. All of these are quality elements that are indicative of a company that isn’t really trying anymore.

When it comes to the interior, the elements of the design are plain and – at best – utilitarian. Of course, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but with the host of other problems, it brings nothing to the package. Dodge is still including the Stow ‘n Go chairs, but they’re just a holdover from previous models – better made models at that.

However, there are some upgrades available that are innovative enough to highlight. There are the Swivel ‘n Go seats that can be turned to face the third row. Hey! Presto! You‘ve gone from a bad minivan to a bad train car! There’s even a pole-mounted table that can fit between the Swivel ‘n Go seats, letting you play board games while waiting for someone to tow you away when this hunk of junk breaks down. There’s a Sirius Satellite option too. Ad the driver-seat umbrella holder didn’t malfunction… Much.

Comparatively, the picture is even worse. Even the SXT option level comes in behind the Honda Odyssey when you look at the ride and handling. The 3.8 liter engine comes in a V-6, but that delivers only adequate acceleration. If you try to save a buck or two and go with the 3.3 liter engine, you’ll find yourself stuck with a sluggish ride and no real savings in fuel economy.

To put it simply, the Grand Caravan isn’t well made. The only thing to be said in its defense is that it’s a perfect example of the drive to cut costs in design and quality in an effort to stay alive. Yes, there may be some bells and whistles that might be fun or innovative, but when it comes down to it, you need a level of reliability. This is, after all, a van that will – in all likelihood – be carrying your family around. You don’t want to risk their safety in this sloppy car.

Instead, you can do much better for your money with a Honda Odyssey, a Toyota Sienna, a Kia Sedona, or its close cousin, the Hyundai Entourage. You should also consider any of the full-size crossovers, like the Chevrolet Traverse. Maybe even a bicycle from a police auction. Whatever you do, just stay away from this piece of… problems.